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Hilarious jokes

Collection of maybe the funnies Hilarious jokes in internet.

A groaner for all you math lovers out there

There were three kingdoms. each bordering on the same lake. For centuries. these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day. they decided to have it out. once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich. and sent an army of 25 knights. each with three squires.
The night before the battle. the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor. cooked food. and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy. and sent only 10 knights. each with 2 squires. The night before the battle. the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor. and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle. the knight sharpened his weapon. while the squire. using a noosed rope. slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day. the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So. in the absence of the knights. the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours. but when the dust finally settled. a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away. beaten. bloodied. but victorious. And it just goes to prove. the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A rapist and con artist

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.

After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.

The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”

The man asks, “Why not?”

And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Hungry Englishman

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two Englishmen along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed. he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man. ‘Why are you eating grass?’ ‘We don’t have any money for food.’ the poor man replied. ‘We have to eat grass.’
‘Well. then. you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you.’ the Scotsman said.
‘But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there. under that tree.’
‘Bring them along.’ the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated. ‘You come with us. also.’
The second man. in a pitiful voice. then said. ‘But sir. I also have a wife and SIX children with me!’
‘Bring them all. as well.’ the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car. which was no easy task. even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way. one of the poor English fellows turned to the Scotsman and said. ‘Sir. you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.’
The Scotsman replied. ‘Glad to do it.
‘You’ll really love my place.
‘The grass is almost a foot high’